The theme for the Second Carnival of Kinky Feminists was Experience. We received a number of creative writing pieces but have decided not to run any fiction this Carnival. Please see this post for further information and help us discuss “Feminist Erotic Fiction: What does it look like?”.

With much ado (and sniffling) here’s the Carnival!

Harvey Milk Jr. at “When did you know you were straight” gives us the post “Controversial” which discusses  the relationship between privileged identities/ experience and political apathy:

…reflecting on discrimination I have personally experienced, I now know that I cannot afford the luxury of being politically apathetic. Perhaps my peers who enjoy heterosexual privileges can afford to do so because they enjoy many financial, social, and legal benefits that I do not.

Feminists with Sexual Disfunction writes about the experience of “Navigating PIV sex with a history of painful PIV.”

Sex is complicated enough to begin with, even more so if your body and sexuality do not match what mainstream culture says it should look like. Media tends to marginalize folks who aren’t at least white, TAB, cis and het, and media largely oversimplifies sex, defining it as “Intercourse” specifically. That’s a hard kind of sex to have when you’re living with vulvar pain though, or any other impairment that hinders sexual function! And to define sex as intercourse means that you’re taking sex away from people who do not need to insert a penis into a vagina in order to have sex. It erases queer sexuality.

The next two posts come with trigger warnings for discussions of rape, sexual assault. A reminder that trigger warnings are not meant to pass judgement about the content of a post but rather are used to help people to use their judgement when deciding to click through to a link.

Lucy Jane Weston gives us “Guilt and Awkward Confessions and Weirdness and Guilt” where she asks the question:

The problem is, how can I be upset by rape culture, by objectification of women, by images of brutalization, when I am sometimes aroused sexually by these images?

Lula Kidd at The Sex Files graciously offers us her very personal post: “Date Rape: It happens to the best of us.”

Sometimes the line between reality and fantasy becomes blurred. Sometimes I feel I get off on sick and twisted things, and sometimes I secretly wish twisted bad things would happen to me, like in the movies I watch.

But somewhere deep inside me I know that I deserve to be treated with respect. The degradation, pain, and sadism I allow  others to inflict on me are a mature, conscious decision.

Quietriotgirl gives us “Karma Police (Educating the sex educators about kink)“:

Kink does involve turning our fantasies into ‘reality’ to a degree. Not literally of course. But in role-play such as ‘rape play’ , ‘kidnapping’, ‘interrogation scenes’ etc sadists ‘harm’ masochists. A key point is that they do so with full consent of the person on the other end of the violence.  But still, it is worth noting that it is this very ‘real’ violence that the masochist desires. Try hitting a masochist with an ‘imaginary’ cane/flogger/crop and s/he won’t be very happy!

Snowdrop Explodes from A Femanist View gives us “My Experience and Identity“;

On the right-hand column of this blog, there’s a box that lists a whole heap of terms that I use to identify myself – it says “my sexual identity is:” but some of the terms are not terms that I tend to use in that context, but that I do use to self-identify in general (and thus, they play some part in who I am sexually). Anyway, the point is – what part does my experience play in forming my identity? As good a way as any to start talking about this question is for me to look at that list and think about what part experience plays in each of them.

Lissy’s Picks:

Ranat from Beyond the Hills discusses kinky identitites in “What We’re Expected to Be“

In terms of dominant and submissive sexualities, I have kvetched, bitched, moaned, externalized, and generally wept over these expectations, about how they are who I am and not what I want in a partner. But the expectations are there, fueled by a clusterfuck of cultural repression, unfulfilled need, desperation, and corporate profit.

Also check out Ranat’s page “If I Were Writing the 101 Course” which;

is a collection of posts, articles, and what-not that I would have liked to have come across when I first dared enter “dominance and submission” and “sadomasochism” into search boxes.

Transcendancing’s picks:

Trinity discusses “Forms of Power” at Let Them Eat Pro-SM Feminist Safe Spaces:

When we grow and become adults, hopefully one tool we develop is discernment in the power relations we enter into. Some of us, of course, will not do this — and sometimes the most fine-honed discernment in the world is useless in the face of a sufficiently charming con artist, deceiver, or abuser. But the mere fact that some of us don’t have discernment, or that we can be bamboozled by the cruel and unethical, does not mean those of us who do should be told not to use it.

QuietRiotGirl’s picks:

Clarisse Thorn‘s “Love Bites: An S&M Coming-Out Story “

In retrospect, it seems surreal that I reacted so badly to my BDSM orientation. The agonizing memories of my adjustment have lost their emotional flavor.

Remittance Girl‘s “The Uncomfortable truth about Kink“

There are altogether too many people in the world who want to relieve me of my kinks, or explain them away, or obscure the marks they’ve left on me with the sticky ointment of patronizing concern.

Thanks as always to everyone involved in the Carnival of Kinky Feminists!

"Porn for Women" from xkcd

We received a number of erotic fiction submissions to the Carnival but have made the decision not to run any fiction this Carnival.  The reason for this can be summed up with the phrase “male gaze“. Which, to put it simply is the idea “of men as watchers and women as watched”.

Quite frankly there is no point submitting work to a Feminist Carnival, even a kinky one, if your work is written solely for an audience of heterosexual cis men. It is pretty safe to assume that the audience in a feminist space is going to have some women in it. It’s probably also safe to assume that a feminist audience is going to be highly critical of stereotypical depictions of gender, especially in a sexual context.

Now Lissy has wasted much time in trying to find some kind of concise guide or 101 to feminist erotic fiction and has just got bogged down in feminist literary criticism full of big words and academic jargon. All of which was more concerned with what feminist erotic fiction isn’t rather than what it is.

So, I’m going to kick some ideas out about what feminist/ feminist friendly erotic fiction might look like and ask you for your opinions as well.

The first point I would make is that feminist erotic fiction should at the very least try and present female characters as more than just disembodied parts (breasts, ass, cunt etc.).  (Though now I’ve written that I’ve started writing a story in my head about about a woman experiencing herself as a series of dis-embodied body parts during a bondage scene… )

Anyway, the point I mean to make is that if you could exchange a female character for a plastic sex doll and it wouldn’t change the story then not only is your story not feminist, but it’s probably also not a very good story either…

Also I might be a straight chick but I’m pretty sure lesbian sex scenes should be able to pass the Bechdel Test…

1. it includes at least two women,
2. who have at least one conversation
3. about something other than a man or men.

Two lesbians talking about men in the middle of sex just seems odd to me…

And maybe I’m just a literary wanker but having a female character behave like a male character doesn’t work when she just keeps going on about how great her breasts are… or am I missing something and blokes go around all day with their internal monologue stuck on “Phwoar I’ve got a big cock.”?

And I’ve still managed to crap on more about what feminist erotic fiction isn’t than what it is… any other ideas?

Tell us about your experiences as feminist kinkster or a kinky feminist!

What kinky or feminist experiences have meaning to you?

How do you experience your kink? Or your feminism? Or even experience the intersection, or not, of both?

Does experience define/ influence identity? Or does identity define/ influence experience?

How have you used your experienced to define your identity? How have others used  your identity to define your experience? And on annoying note: how have other people defined your experience based on your identity or identified you based on your experience?

What experiences do you want to have? Or never have?

And was Brett Anderson really just being a wanker when he declared “I’m a bisexual who’s never had a homosexual experience.” ? (Lissy says no but she’s a big Suede fan).

Or you can always ignore the theme of experience, it’s only optional after all!

As always posts can be submitted via blog carnival or to kinkyfeminists-at-hotmail.com. If you don’t wish to post on your own blog you are welcome to email submission to be posted on the carnival site (i.e. here).

There will be some additions to the site, including a blogroll and some polls. Stay Tuned!

In the meantime, because Lissy objectifies Brett Anderson have a video:

“Can’t Get Enough”

I have realised putting this first edition together that there’s quite a lot of terrain we can cover in our feminist conversations about kink… and I’m looking forward to seeing what comes in for future editions.

Thanks to Elly, Snowdrop and Transcendancing!

Enjoy! Lissy

The theme for this carnival was Introductions and K at Feminists with Sexual Dysfunction gives a series of posts recording her introductions to kinky thinking:

Starting with a review of “The New Bottoming Book

One of the common ideas I’ve come across in multiple sexuality books is that society (and many people in it) would benefit from a broader definition of sex, one which includes a wide variety of sexual activity beyond hetero PIV intercourse. And some of those books make a very interesting suggestion for exploration – BDSM.

Following this review, K asked for feedback, and in the first of two follow up posts Reconciling BDSM and painful sex, she posts an email exchange between herself and Ms. Sexability.

Since I have a chronic pain condition, I find I have a real problem with the “are you into pain,” question, because I’m always replying, “Uh…what do you mean by pain?”  There are many types of pain similiar to there being many types of touch…

In the second feedback post, Understanding the difference between BDSM and painful sex, K again posts an email exchange this time between herself and Kinky Feminists Carnival very own SnowdropExplodes:

I believe that many of the principles involved with BDSM (notably, clear communication,) can carry over into vanilla relationships, but not everyone wants to engage in the activities usually associated with kink. There is nothing wrong with that, if it’s not for you, it’s not for you. Pressure to perform any kind of sexual activity is still pressure.

Snowdrop then follows up at A Femanist View with a post entitled “Introducing Kink with FSD”.

Clarisse Thorn has kindly allowed us to repost Sexual Openness: 2 ways to encourage it! You can read it here at the Carnival site or here at Clarisse Thorn: Pro-Sex Outreach, Open Minded Feminism:

How did I evolve through that balance and come into the place where I am today, where my sexual boundaries have shifted dramatically? I’m up for trying things just to see what they’re like; I routinely have fantasies that would have appalled me in my teens; and I routinely have orgasms as well …. But why is it that, for example, I’m very interested in having multiple partners now, but wasn’t at all interested a few years ago? Why did I initially swear I’d never wear a collar, then end up associating collars with profound sexual love? How is it that I initially considered myself solely a submissive but later transitioned into an enthusiastic switch (i.e., both a sub and a domme)?

Pharoh-Katt from Something More Than Sides discusses The Nature of Consent in two parts. In Part One: SSC v RACK

RACK is actually something I hold very dear to me, and something which I think all sexually active people should strive for, not just kinky ones.

In Part Two: The Importance of Safe Signals

Safe Signals, I believe, should be supported and pushed for by feminists all over. They are the epitome of enthusiastic consent. They help partners know that, although someone may have consented initially, that consent can be revoked at any time. And it gives people a means to revoke that consent!

Cal Stockton from Topologies discusses Realistic and quick negotiation in the moment:

first times and new people are tricky, and these things to do come up. I’ve never read anything on dealing with these spontaneous first time issues in a way that actually turns me on, so let’s put aside the more intricate stuff that comes later on and focus on how to make this fun.

Snowdrop provides an Introduction to Dating:

I realised I haven’t really written about my introduction to dating as a concept, as something you do (‘nilla, kinky, feminist or anything). So here’s a quick look at some of that lovely stuff.

Lucy Jane Weston dissects a depiction of Pony Play: (Warning for Bones Spoilers)

I seriously couldn’t get past my blinding rage at this show that would not only characterize kinksters as freaks and murderers, but that would end with a speech dismissing all non-heteronormative, non-vanilla sex as “crappy” and not “the real thing.”

ammre brings us BDSM in Public: AKA Why I’m not worried about offending you

It seemed as if they were offended by having to look even voluntarily at an image of a large girl, god forbid if they were in the same space as her too!

From The Disciplined Feminist we have an amusing moment with Barack and Michelle.

From her old Quiet Riot Girl address Elly gives us “Help the New Puritans are coming!”where she argues that:

The relationship between representation and reality is complex, the meanings and implications of pornography, sex work and advertising are many and varied, and sometimes contradictory. If feminism is to have any chance of achieving its aim of say, ending violence against women, it has to embrace this complexity and contradiction.

From her new Quiet Riot Girl address Elly gives us “We need to talk about bumming“

But I never talked to my friends about bumming, not the way we might casually laugh and joke, and share details of the rest of our ‘sex lives’. This suddenly felt taboo. I remember a mate of mine saying she didn’t like ‘fetish’ things, such as anal sex.  It’s not a fetish I thought, it’s just something else to do.

Possible squicks and triggers: anal sex

And I, Lissy, failing to finish my post about how I feel about the word bitch offer instead “Space…the final frontier“

Thanks to all who have contributed and if I’ve mistakenly left your post off because of my wild many windows open editing style please email me kinkyfeminists_at_hotmail.com.

Cheers, Lissy

Possible squicks and triggers:  anal sex (brief mention of).

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the factors that went into my sexual evolution.  People have always seen me as sexually open-minded, and I had an extraordinarily liberal upbringing … but at the same time, I think I spent a long time surprisingly buttoned-up.  For example: I didn’t explore S&M properly until my twenties, and I didn’t figure out how to orgasm until after that.

Part of it was the men I fell in love with, the partners I had.  Monogamy felt right to me, and that effectively meant that once I was in a relationship, it was hard to explore sexuality beyond what my lovers were comfortable with.  I’ve often looked back in frustration at sexual shame and inhibitions that I feel were imposed on me by some past partners.  But at the same time, there’s no denying that — even when my partners were relatively inhibited — I was with those men partly because I felt comfortable with them.  I recall conversations in which I felt frustrated at a lover’s unwillingness to explore or discuss certain things … but I also recall times when I felt relieved that they were willing to leave those things alone.

How did I evolve through that balance and come into the place where I am today, where my sexual boundaries have shifted dramatically?  I’m up for trying things just to see what they’re like; I routinely have fantasies that would have appalled me in my teens; and I routinely have orgasms as well ….  But why is it that, for example, I’m very interested in having multiple partners now, but wasn’t at all interested a few years ago?  How is it that I initially considered myself solely a submissive but later transitioned into an enthusiastic switch (i.e., both a sub and a domme)?

Here are the two factors that, I think, facilitate sexual evolution and openness:

1) A pressure-free environment.

This is key!  A person can be pressured into sexual exploration, but in my experience it won’t “take”.  Many people (though not all) who feel pressure react by becoming defensive and unwilling to change; even if they do try the experiment, they’re less likely to enjoy it.  And someone who has a bad sexual experience will often have trouble enjoying that kind of sex in the future.

Take me, for example –there were a lot of reasons why I felt less willing to experiment with polyamory (multiple relationships) when I was 20, but one of the big ones is that I felt lots of pressure to be poly. Because I ran in highly “alternative” social circles, I was meeting “polyvangelists” who argued that polyamory is the “best” kind of relationship and that anyone who doesn’t want to try poly is just being selfish or close-minded.  General social pressure exerts an influence, so it helps to have open-minded friends who accept different forms of consensual sexuality — which doesn’t just mean that “vanilla” people would do well to accept those of us who are “non-standard”, but also means that even people in “alternative” circles have to accept “mainstream” sexuality.

But in my experience, the actual sexual relationships are the most relevant aspect of life that must be sexually pressure-free.  They’re also one of the most difficult, especially when the stakes are high: if one or both parties are helplessly in love, if they are married, if they have children, if they live together … then it becomes very hard to make the relationship pressure-free.  A husband who is afraid that his wife might leave him is more likely to do sexual things for her that make him uncomfortable because he wants her to stay, for example — even if she doesn’t ask him to.  A girl who is totally in love with her boyfriend is more likely to acquiesce to sex that she’s not really into, because of course she wants to please him — but she is simultaneously unlikely to tell him outright that she’s not into it.

And then there’s the fact that what feels like “pressure” for each person will be different depending on that person’s triggers, the relationship, and the time in their life.  Today, I feel totally comfortable setting limits and clearly telling my partner “no” if he asks me to do something I don’t want to do … but it wasn’t so long ago that I’d feel anxiety-inducing pressure to do something if my boyfriend merely mentioned that he liked it.  Which brings me to my next point: there’s a fine line between sharing and pressure.  One must be careful when bringing up one’s own preferences and desires — which isn’t to say one shouldn’t bring them up!  Merely that it’s important to recognize that these are difficult topics, and when we discuss them with people we love or admire, there’s lots of potential for accidental anxious pressure.

Okay, I’m talking pretty theoretically, right?  So here’s some actual concrete advice on how to avoid imposing sexual pressure:

* Don’t demand that people explain their preferences.  A person doesn’t have to explain, examine, or “figure out” why they’re gay, straight, kinky, polyamorous, or whatever if they don’t want to.  Even your sexual partner doesn’t have to explain why they don’t want to do something if they don’t want to.

In fact, it may be very helpful if you merely make it clear that your partner doesn’t have to explain from the beginning — because they may feel as if they ought to, even if you don’t ask.  I so clearly remember an encounter I had a few years ago in which my partner asked what I was up for and I said, hesitantly, “Well, I’m not really up for sex tonight … I can’t really explain it, I –” and he held up his hand.  “You don’t have to explain it,” he said — and I was totally shocked at the gratitude, relief and comfort that poured through me.

I later felt proud and thrilled to “pay it forward” when I had my first serious encounter as a dominant.  Towards the end of the encounter, I asked, “Do you want me?” and my submissive stiffened, saying awkwardly, “Yes, I do, but … I don’t want to have sex so soon, it’s just one of my own boundaries, I –” and I saw how much the words were costing him.  Saw the same anxiety I’d felt once.  And immediately I covered his mouth and said, “Shh, it’s fine, you don’t have to explain it,” and I saw him relax with the same terrible relief I’d once felt.  And then we made out for many hours and it was unbelievably awesome.

… Of course, sometimes people will want to examine their own preferences, which is obviously fine!  But if your partner or friend is examining for their own mental well-being, that’s very different from demanding that they examine to satisfy you.  Bottom line: they don’t owe you an explanation, and asking for one may just make them tense up and feel totally unsexy in all ways.

* Express preferences gently.  I once attended an incredible BDSM workshop by the author Laura Antoniou in which she offered an outline for bringing up your filthiest, scariest fantasy with your partner: “Buy ice cream.  Sit down at the kitchen table and describe your fantasy.  Then say, ‘Don’t say anything now.  I’ll give you some time to think about it — now let’s eat this ice cream and maybe go out for a movie.’”  I love this advice because (a) everyone gets ice cream and (b) it’s so perfect for lowering tension.  And as Laura said, “The worst thing that can happen is that they’re not into it.”

It’s important to emphasize from the start that, “This is something I’m interested it, but it’s not a requirement and I don’t want you to do it if you’re not into it.”  In fact, it might help to begin by saying those exact words.

And if your partner doesn’t want to do something now, it’s often worth giving time for them to grow into the idea.  Perhaps by exploring other sexual angles, they’ll come around to yours.  I remember that when I was in my late teens, one boyfriend asked me if I’d be up for anal sex, and I refused.  (He asked very gently, and didn’t pressure me when I said no, which made me feel much safer and happier with him!)  At the time I couldn’t imagine ever wanting to do it.  Then a few years later — after I’d gained a lot more sexual experience — I ended up asking my boyfriend to try it!  I’m convinced that if my previous partner had pressured me into anal sex, I wouldn’t have come around to it so easily years later — and if he and I had still been together, then maybe we would have even done it together.

… But of course, the difficult part here is that sexual needs are important, and can’t be put on the back burner indefinitely.  If you have sexual needs that are being routinely ignored — or can’t be fulfilled — by your partner, then it’s obviously not desirable to keep gently saying, “Don’t worry, I can do without this.”  Still, I think that if you’re approaching ultimatum territory — for example, if you are tempted to say that “If you can’t satisfy this need, then I need an open relationship so I can find someone who can, or else we have to break up” — then it’s best to at least state the ultimatum gently, emphasize that you care about your partner and this is difficult, and steel yourself to act quickly in case you have to go through with your ultimatum.  And, of course, to understand that this could make sexuality with your partner more difficult if you keep trying to date through ultimatum territory.

Sadly, sexual pressure can sometimes be simply unavoidable.  Sometimes the best we can do is be gentle, understanding, and prepared to face the consequences.

2) Exposure to new conceptions of sexuality, sexual mentors, and sex education

Many gay people say they’re “wired” for a certain approach to sexuality, but there’s also others, such as BDSMers, who consider ourselves to be innately kinky.  And we often say that we would have come to those sexual conclusions and practices whether we had examples before us, or not.  (Even so, it’s really helpful to have a community sharing tips and emotional support, especially when it comes to alternative sexuality.  It might seem like sex will come naturally and obviously, but sometimes non-obvious things can really trip you up!)

Still, there are lots of sexual ideas are worth exploring and wouldn’t necessarily occur to us if we didn’t have examples before us: erotica, pornography, friends and mentors, workshops and educational materials.  Here’s some concrete advice on how best to emotionally access those:

* Find a good mentor, or at least a friend or social group, to talk about sex with — who you don’t want to have sex with.  Being able to honestly discuss turn-ons in a neutral environment is invaluable, as is someone who can guide and advise without inserting their preferences and desires into the conversation.  Naturally, it’s entirely possible to have a good sexual relationship with a sexual mentor — and sometimes, mentor (or friend) relationships evolve in unexpectedly sexual ways.  But it can be very useful to take that element out of at least some relationships.

One piece of advice that I love is for mentors to be the same “type”.  That is, for example, if you’re a heterosexual female submissive, it’s awesome to have an experienced heterosexual female submissive mentor if possible.

* Not all BDSM — or porn — or whatever! — is the same.  If you don’t like (or are even revolted by) something you see, then you can try watching (or reading, or talking about) something else.  Me, I got really excited when I first learned about Comstock Films, because they’re so much more realistic and comfortably sexual than mainstream porn.  And I really didn’t like mainstream porn.  But then I found that I wasn’t that into Comstock Films themselves, even though I love the idea so much that I screened one of the movies at my sex-positive film series.  So I concluded that I’m just not into porn at all, and that I’d be better off to focus on written erotica.

But then I finally saw some porn that turned me on at CineKink — and I hadn’t even expected it to turn me on!  I’d just been watching out of academic interest!  And these days, I find that I’m sometimes turned on by watching the mainstream porn I tried so hard to avoid in the first place.  The moral of the story is obvious.

The bottom line is that mere exposure to new ideas about sexuality can bring personal sexual evolution — and that’s awesome.  So if you’re interested in facilitating your own sexual evolution, the first thing to do is learn about sexuality by whatever means possible.

The Carnival of Kinky Feminists has four administrators; in alphabetical order they are Lissy, QuietRiotGirl, Transcendancing and Snowdrop_Explodes. All four of us identify as feminist and kinky. Of the four of us Snowdrop was able to come up with the most concise definition so he gets to go first!

Snowdrop’s Concise Definition of Feminism:

I believe that feminisms’ foundations are formed from the combination of women’s action in, and application of, social sciences, politics, philosophy, and activism to their own lives and the way those lives relate to other women’s lives.  The common theme is it’s about women. Women in every walk of life have contributed to this foundation by virtue of living their lives and talking about them.

Feminisms tend to be activist both on a personal and a political level, but can be more purely academic as well. However, even the act of dispassionately and accurately recording women’s lives and experiences in terms of social science research, for example, is a revolutionary and activist thing in a world where the male is seen as the norm or default.

I believe that for both men and women, being feminist starts with listening to, and acknowledging as valid, women’s experiences and understanding the diversity as well as the commonality within them.

QuietRiotGirl: Riding the Third Wave  (originally posted here)

Feminism has had a resurgence recently. The third wave is finally here! In the UK there are feminist organisations sprouting up everywhere, dealing with issues such as equal pay, violence against women, objectification in the media, sex-work and lap-dancing.

And there’s the rub. I do not identify with these feminists, because my attitude towards sex, sexuality and sex work is almost diametrically opposed to that of the ‘third wave feminists’ around me. If I feel so differently from them on these important subjects, maybe I am not in agreement on many others either.

Two new pieces of Uk legislation, achieved through lobbying by high-profile feminist groups serve to underline my point of view. The first means lap-dancing clubs now have to apply for a special ‘sex establishment’ license, which costs money to obtain. The second criminalises clients of coerced sex-workers. I oppose these laws. The feminist lobbyists did not consult sex workers about their proposals. The laws will mean sex-work will go further underground, and will probably lead to sex-workers being forced to work in more dangerous unregulated conditions. Also, these feminists seem led by puritanical motives: they feel offended by sex work, and they want to remove it from their sight, from their nice suburban neighbourhoods.

My kink has become more and more important to my feminism as time goes on. Sexuality is a vital aspect of how we express and identify ourselves. When the UK also made a law criminalising viewers of extreme pornography, which passed unopposed by most feminist groups, I realised kink is more than identity politics; it involves the politics of civil liberties and minority rights as well. So now I wear my kink proudly, along with my support of sex workers’ rights, my belief in the equality of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender people, and my campaigns against racism and prejudice everywhere.

Your feminism is not my feminism and that’s ok. But in setting up this Blog Carnival, I am delighted and relieved to find myself amongst people whose feminism IS similar to mine. I am also looking forward to exploring the diversity of our kinky interests in a safe and accepting space. Let’s ride the third wave together and change the way it rolls onto the shore.

Transcendancing: This is What a Feminist looks like (originally posted here)

I believe that people should get to be the best people they can be, irrespective of the labels they choose for themselves, or have chosen for them.

I believe in equality – and that we don’t yet live in a world where this exists.

I’m committed to having conversations.

I’m committed inside of having conversations to expose that which is invisibly and insidiously contributing to the lack of equality.

I delight in views that differ from my own, but reserve the right to disagree and still value you as a human being.

In March 2008 I posted this for a few of us entrenched in a particularly disheartening conversation. When applied to what it feels like to be standing for equality in a world that some days thinks we’re already there, some days doesn’t care; I feel like my voice, my love and hope is multiplied. I feel like I am one of many standing up to speak and be heard:

We will do this. We will support and comfort and care for one another throughout the process, we will have respect, and we will give it – but we will not be silenced, nor dismissed.

Lissy: Don’t quote me on that: A non-definition of Feminism (originally posted here)

Kink wordmap from Visualthesaurus.comKink wordmap from Visualthesaurus.com

Defining Kink: Wikipedia, Language, and Sex for All

Let’s start by taking a look at classical definitions, shall we? The Merriam-Webster dictionary online defines kink thusly:

Main Entry: 1kink

1 : a short tight twist or curl caused by a doubling or winding of something upon itself 2 a : a mental or physical peculiarity : eccentricity, quirk b : whim 3 : a clever unusual way of doing something 4 : a cramp in some part of the body 5 : an imperfection likely to cause difficulties in the operation of something 6 : unconventional sexual taste or behavior

It’s not the OED, but it’s a perfectly acceptable academic reference.
Academic references don’t necessarily Move With The Times – paper dictionaries are almost always out of date.

Not that I don’t love dictionaries, nor do I think that even language not currently in common use is ever really out-of-date (Medieval Studies major, here) but that’s not what I came here to tell you about….

It’s academic suicide, but let’s check Wikipedia – it’s Up-to-Date, edited constantly, crowd-sourced and self-regulating. Just the thing for talking about language that is constantly being defined and changed, and used in different ways by different people.

And academic reputability aside, when want to find out about something we check Wikipedia first, and then start looking through it’s bibliography to figure out where to go next.

Allow me to demonstrate: Raise your hands, everybody. If you’ve used OED in the past 3 weeks, lower your hand. NOW, if you’ve used Wikipedia in the past 3 DAYS, lower your hand.

[A few people lower their hands for the OED. Almost no hands are left in the air after Wikipedia.]

Uh-huh.
Wikipedia says:

Kink (sexual)
In human sexuality, kinkiness or kinky (adjective), is a term used to refer to an intelligent and playful usage of sexual concepts in an accentuated, and unambiguously expressive form. Such expressions may represent a mature degree of social and sexual intelligence, wherein partners and prospective partners mutually communicate sexual understanding, interests, and tastes through outward and characteristic expressions such as gesture, dress, and conducive interaction.
In current usage, the term “kink” has instead come to refer to a range of objective and objectifying sexualistic practices ranging in degree from the playful to the paraphilic. These include spanking, bondage, dominance and submission, sadomasochism (BDSM) and sexual fetishism.

Kink sexual practices go beyond what are considered conventional sexual practices as a means of heightening the intimacy between sexual partners. Some draw a distinction between “kink” and “fetishism”, defining the former as enhancing partner intimacy, and the latter as replacing it.[1] Because of its relation to “normal” sexual boundaries, which themselves vary by time and place, the definition of what is and is not kink varies widely as well. Practitioners are sometimes considered to be perverts by “outsiders.”

That’s a lot to take in. Let’s break it down:

1. Kink is “intelligent and playful usage of sexual concepts in an accentuated, and unambiguously expressive form” That’s good! And it indicates “ mature degree of social and sexual intelligence” That’s great! (go us!)But
2. Unfortunately “In current usage, the term “kink” has instead come to refer to a range of objective and objectifying sexualistic practices ranging in degree from the playful to the paraphilic. These include spanking, bondage, dominance and submission, sadomasochism (BDSM) and sexual fetishism.” So according to our up-to-date, crowd-sourced, techno-savvy reference here, “Kink” has come to be associated with just one group of people, which is not so good.
3. However: “Some draw a distinction between “kink” and “fetishism”, defining the former as enhancing partner intimacy, and the latter as replacing it.” So we have one good indication of what “Kink” might not be.

But that’s not terribly clear, so let us make a brief digression to take a look at what “Fetish” and “Fetishism” are. Heading back to our hide-bound Merriam-Webster dictionary, we find:

Main Entry: fe·tish

Variant(s): also fe·tich \ˈfe-tish also ˈfē-\

1 a : an object (as a small stone carving of an animal) believed to have magical power to protect or aid its owner; broadly : a material object regarded with superstitious or extravagant trust or reverence b : an object of irrational reverence or obsessive devotion : prepossession c : an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression 2 : a rite or cult of fetish worshipers 3 : fixation

and

Main Entry: fe·tish·ism
1 : belief in magical fetishes 2 : extravagant irrational devotion 3 : the pathological displacement of erotic interest and satisfaction to a fetish

We’ll have to accept this definition, because Wikipedia gives us an example of of self-regulation in action:

“This article may contain original research or unverified claims. Please improve the article by adding references. See the talk page for details. (March 2009)“,

“This article contains weasel words, vague phrasing that often accompanies biased or unverifiable information. Such statements should be clarified or removed. (March 2009)“

So, leaving WikiPedia alone for now, and go with the academically accepted sources. These definitions include the word “Psychological,” “Pathological,” and “Necessary,” all of which I think we can generally agree are not integral to our definition of the word “Kink.” As the “Kink (Sexual)” article in Wikipedia says, Kink should “enhance emotional intimacy” Which is, of course, a good thing, and something that a pathological fetish does not do. So, why is it that:

1. “Practitioners are sometimes considered to be perverts by“outsiders.” What’s an outsider? According to the first definition in the Wikipedia article, anybody who takes the time to think and talk about sex in an intelligent way either has some Kinks or is Kinky. How can there be insiders and outsiders in that? That presupposes that being Kinky puts you in some sort of closed community, which goes back to the idea that Kink can be associated only with people interested in BDSM and similar activities. But even so, why is that community necessarily closed? Because of fear – of the law, of social judgement, of the pain that can come from owning up to one’s interests. All completely legitimate, but reducing Kink to that and that alone takes away the “Playful” nature. The idea that “practitioner are … considered perverts by “outsiders” either conflates Kink with BDSM and nothing else, or conflates it with Fetishism, both of which we see cannot be our definition of Kink. If we hold Kink to it’s definition as “a term used to refer to an intelligent and playful usage of sexual concepts” how can it become a pejorative that turns people into “perverts”?
2. Maybe perverts are people who’s “sexual practices go beyond what are considered conventional sexual practices as a means of heightening the intimacy between sexual partners.” What’s conventional sex? Wikipedia tells us it’s the same as “Vanilla Sex” and “Among heterosexual couples in the Western world, vanilla sex often refers to the missionary position.” but the “Vanilla Sex” page (to which the search “Conventional Sex” redirects) also says “The British Medical Journal defines vanilla sex between homosexual couples as “Sex that does not extend beyond affection, mutual masturbation, and oral and anal sex.” That’s a much wider definition! AND
3. Looking back at the “Kink (Sexual)” page, we see “Because of its relation to “normal” sexual boundaries, which themselves vary by time and place, the definition of what is and is not kink varies widely as well.” Now isn’t that telling? It turns out that we can’t give a consistent definition for “Normal,” “Conventional,” “Vanilla” sex, because it’s changing all the time – any definition we put down will become as quickly outdated as the dictionary we put it down in.

So we’ve pulled apart the Wikipedia definition, and the Merriam-Webster definition.

We know a little bit about what Kink isn’t – Kink isn’t Fetishism. It’s not pathological, and it doesn’t act as a replacement for emotional connection and intimacy.

We know as well about what Kink shouldn’t be – exclusionary, prejudicing. Kink is not BDSM and BDSM alone. In fact, there’s no reason that Kink should necessarily be opposed to conventional sex – think of it as Sex 201. A little bit more in-depth, perhaps. Requiring intelligence and thought, explicitly open and honest communication, and with any luck, provides lots of fun. One can do Kink just by talking, one can have a Kink just by knowing enough to know what it is that really gets your motor going.

Listen to WikiPedia, since you’re looking at it anyway: Kink is “Intelligent and playful usage of sexual concepts in an accentuated, and unambiguously expressive form.” And if not everybody can, under that definition, currently be called Kinky, then that’s the reason why the people who can be called Kinky need to get out there, get talking, and change the world – So that Kink can be For All.

* Emma can also be heard on Kink on Tap. It’s excellent go listen!

1. To have a central location for for information about the carnival, and
2. provide a space for people who wish to contribute to the carnival but don’t want, for whatever reason, to post on their own blogs.

As this is the first edition the optional theme is “Introductions”, you can introduce yourself, write about your introduction to kink, your partner/s, etc. Or you might go bugger that ‘I don’t do themes’.

There will be additional information posted to this site as things develop. But at this stage the deadline for submissions for the first Carnival will be 25th May 2010, with the plan to publish on the 1st June 2010 (Dependent on Lissy’s uni workload!).

Stay tuned!